Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Nursery, version 2 (sort of)

I knew this pregnancy thing was going to be hard for me emotionally.

I don't think it's uncommon to compare one pregnancy to another.  And for me, one pregnancy was mostly before the fire and the other is after.  We've been trying to move things around the house to clean out the nursery for this baby.  And all I can think of is cleaning out the room that was supposed to be Kellen's.

The room before it was the nursery (or was supposed to be the nursery) was, for lack of a better description, our junk room.  At one point it was an office.

On a side note, it's really strange to look at some of the contents on the floor as "Oh yeah, I forgot about that" thoughts reverberate through my mind.  And Dan's electric guitar is in the left corner.  The bench it is sitting on opened up for storage, and it's only because we put his guitars IN there that they "survived" the fire.

After hours and hours of work, the room was finally clean.  A few weeks later we moved all the books out of the bookcase.

And over the course of the summer, we ended up with this:

More pictures and the scope of the loss from our old nursery can be found on this post I wrote the week after the fire.

And here I am again, faced with the challenge of cleaning our the nursery, converting it from Kellen's toy storage (his "playroom") back into a room for a child to sleep.  I'd be lying if I said there aren't still fears that we won't get to bring this child to our home either, a fear that I know is totally unfounded but still resides in my heart.  And if we lost this home, why do all the work to prepare the room if won't exist anyway?  I push those thoughts away and try to focus on the excitement of the new baby.  I'm sure some of it is just the fact that it's our second child, but I do feel that the fire has also robbed me of the opportunity to enjoy this process because of the fear that it could all be taken away within minutes.

We moved Kellen's toys, got out the baby swing (and put a Cabbage Patch doll from my childhood in it for Kellen to kiss good-night), moved the glider back into the room, and put the crib pieces along the wall to be set up once we know whether we're having a boy or a girl and get the room painted.

I wish I could view the fire as a neutral event, something that happened with no lasting effect on my life.  But that just isn't the way it is.  And the nursery is just one more reminder of the life that I worked so hard to create.  And the life that was so quickly turned to ash.

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