Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Self-reflection and why I piss people off

I'm not really known as an insecure person.  And yet, a few things have happened recently that have made me step back and question myself.  Self-reflection isn't always a comfortable task, but I do think it's necessary (I just wish I wasn't constantly in self-reflection mode!).

I know that I can be somewhat abrasive and definitely critical (both of myself and of others and most certainly of misplaced apostrophes).  I used to think I was an optimist, but I've grown into a realist.  And I think it's hard to go back once you see the world through lenses that are often tinted with a bit of black soot.  I think I've started assuming that everyone sees the world through this same pragmatic prism.  I'm learning, the hard way of course, that I'm wrong.  Some people need reality softened, requiring a much more delicate touch than I seem to be capable of.

For the most part, I don't dislike this part of myself.  I am straightforward, and those who know me well know that they will always get the truth from me, whether it's flattering or not.  I see little value in the art of bullshitting, believing that I would rather have a few genuine friends than be liked by everyone only because I am capable of blowing smoke up their asses.  This isn't to say I feel like I don't have many friends, just that I seem to piss them off in regular intervals.  I hope that most realize I am well-intentioned.  But we all know where good intentions take us (though I often feel I'm living among the seventh circle anyway, so maybe that's how I got here).

This last week has made me feel very insecure about the person that I usually feel very confident in.  Do I really need to speak that truthfully?  Am I compromising a bit of myself to fit into a societal convention that I feel is not authentic?  And what is the cost of that compromise?  Right now, it's making me uncomfortable in all social situations, to the point that I appear socially awkward.  And that seems to be alienating the friends who do love me for being Blunt Brooke.

I think we are all capable of minor adjustments as we accrue experiences in this life.  But at our core, it seems that major change is almost impossible (except maybe for the person who experiences a major brain trauma and has a completely different personality).  At the very least, I own who I am.  Even if that makes everyone else uncomfortable.

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