Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I want a redo

My step-sister gave birth to her son early yesterday morning.  I got to hold the tiny little boy last night.  It's not helping the baby fever!

I'm pretty certain that nearly everyone I went to high school or college with is either pregnant or just had a baby.  I am surrounded by babies.

As I wrote about earlier, we are having a hard time determining how to complete our family because of my health issues.  I've thought a lot about this, and I think one of the reasons I want to be pregnant is that I just want a ReDo.  I know that probably sounds insane.  I was pregnant; I had a beautiful son.

But I also had a horrible, traumatic experience in the midst of it.  I didn't get to prepare the nursery and bring my son home.  All the work we did, all the excitement we had was gone.  I read about all my friends' pregnancies, and, quite frankly, I'm jealous.  (And selfishly, I wish just one would reach out and say that they thought of me in those last weeks and, even if they couldn't understand, at least thought about how hard it might have been to lose everything.)  I want a pregnancy redo. 

I want to decorate the nursery.  I want to bring my child home to OUR house.  I want to sit around enjoying my child instead of running around town meeting with contractors.  I want to be able to smile at our infant when he smiles at us instead of worrying about whether I'll ever smile again.  I don't want to sleep through the first year wondering if the doctors are ever going to figure out what's wrong with me. 

I just want a normal, uneventful life, a normal, uneventful pregnancy.  And part of me is afraid I'll never get those things.  And even if we did, it can't undo the one that wasn't.

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