Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I have baby fever

I always wanted four kids, spaced four years apart.  My thoughts about the number of children I want has changed since becoming a parent, but I still think a four year spacing sounds pretty ideal.

Kellen is almost three.  And I've learned you don't just get pregnant the second you want it to be so (though certainly I know people for which this is true).  And then there is that whole nine month thing.

And oh yeah, there's that Lyme thing.  I feel good, better than I've felt in almost three years.  But I still am not 100%, and I know enough from those who've been there before me that being pregnant with Lyme isn't an easy road.  I would have to be on drugs my entire pregnancy.  And there are limits to what I can take to deal with Lyme symptoms that occur as a result of how a pregnancy impacts your immune system.  It's also hard for me to know I'm going to feel like crap after having been sick for so long and finally feeling like I'm on top of this illness.

I've considered our other options.  I always thought I would adopt, but that option has become less doable for me personally as I have assessed my own life.  I've also considered surrogacy (and if the local newspaper's comment section says anything about the public perception of surrogacy, this also has some major hurdles).  I'm having a hard time with either option, knowing that for me, neither is an ideal way to expand our family.

Kellen isn't an easy kid either.  He wasn't an easy baby, and it's hard for me to want to go back to the infant stage and sleep deprivation.

With that said, I know I want at least one more child.  I want our son to have a sibling.  And I want to experience holding a tiny baby again, a baby who is all mine to love.

It feels like everyone I know is having babies, either about ready to deliver or just finding out their pregnant.  I tried to get rid of my baby stuff, thinking that maybe we could have just one.  But I knew going through Kellen's stuff that we weren't done.

We still have a year to make some of these decisions and still have kids four years apart.  At least I've made one decision already and that's the choice to have at least one more child.  The only questions now are when... and how.

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