Today is our four year wedding anniversary. Amazing to think it's only been four years.
It's hard for me to look at that picture, even though it hangs on my stairway, and I see it every day (just as I did when a copy hung in the living room of our old house). I look at that girl, and I'm jealous. She's happy. Life seems so full of promise. The idea that she could need someone to stick by her in sickness and through "worse" is foreign to her even though she'd already endured some of life's challenges. She was twenty four. Getting married "for better or FOR WORSE" was just something that people said. They didn't really have to endure it.
But we have.
Three years ago we went to Tahoe for our first anniversary.
Even that trip seems happy and full of promise. And yet on our anniversary, we spent the day wandering around Tahoe looking for a place to draw my CD3 fertility bloodwork. On our anniversary, I started Clomid to help us get pregnant. It didn't work.
Two years ago, we sat on the foundation of our new house feeling homeless and without the things that had been a part of our newlywed journey. The toasting flutes from our wedding were ash. The champagne from our honeymoon that we were saving for our son's birth or Dan's graduation, evaporated. My wedding dress. Our whole life was gone.
Last year I had just learned that I likely had Lyme Disease, and we were traveling to Seattle, where we spent one of the rainiest weekends of my life holed up in a hotel room with a child who wanted none of it.
And this year, I spend the day in bed, crawling out of my hell to go to dinner. I want to blow out my hair so that I at least look presentable, but that takes energy, energy I'm not sure I have.
Dan and I have been married four years, and our lives have been tried beyond what seems fair or reasonable. I didn't enter into this marriage thinking that I was going to put my husband through "worse." I wanted to make his life better. Instead, I feel like I've drug him through hell (with me).
I think all you can do is hope. Hope that one day we get to experience highs in our marriage and in our life that make up for the lows that we've had to endure.
Sometimes saying "I do" really does mean getting through the worst of times together. Even if all you ever wanted was "for better."