I meant to get to this yesterday, but Kellen is really sick. He has another ear infection (that's five or six so far in so many months). We spent all weekend in bed with him with a fever of 102-103. It was bad, for all of us.
I don't know if I ever had a visual of what my family would look like. I just knew I would have one. It's the same knowing that I've always had about my place in the world. I always have felt like I was meant to do something big, be something more, contribute in a way that is easily recognizable to others. It's sometimes hard to feel like you can do both, raise a strong, healthy family and do something big. But I believe it's possible. Usually.
I always had a pretty strong feeling about who my partner should be. Tall, educated, goal-oriented, worldly (in that order I suppose). Dan wasn't really any of those things. But he complemented me. I was those things (though my dad would beg to differ on the "tall" bit). I needed to be with someone who was softer, more yielding.
The story of our being together is not one that I'm necessarily proud of. Our first date bordered on awful. It was all but over when Dan decided to put him arm around me and draw me close to him. It was in that moment that I knew something was different. Something felt right. He moved in with me, unofficially, shortly thereafter. I told my then roommate that I thought he would go home at some point. He didn't. I often say that the only way I could have been with him is if he moved in. It was the only way for me to get past the things that he wasn't that I thought I needed. To be fair, he is becoming those things. Educated. Goal-oriented. Worldly. (He still isn't tall.)
Dan is an incredible father. While I might chastise him for throwing something across the room after I just told Kellen not to throw his toys, Dan is so good to Kellen. He is fun. He teaches Kellen about cars and trucks and fish, things that I am really not all that interested in learning. (For some entertainment, you can find my Mother's Guide to Trucks here.) He tries to take some of the parenting burden off me, though Kellen is definitively in a mommy-only stage. And even if Kellen won't go to Dan for long, his eyes light up when he sees Dan. "Hi Daddy," he says as he runs giggling around the living room, spinning in circles.
Our family is not yet complete. We don't know when I'll be able to be well enough to have another baby. But we will have at least one more child. For now though, it feels whole. Our family is full of love and fun and laughter. I can't imagine having wanted more.