I've had a major breakthrough in figuring out why I have had such a difficult time with the fire and this year. If you read my post on Frame of Reference, it has much to do with that. After that concert I realized how tied to the fire all my past memories are, and in the last few days that's all I could think about.
ALL of my pre-fire memories are now linked to the fire. When I think about my wedding, it's not the flowers or the people or the cake or the honeymoon I think about. It's the fact that I loved my dress and had it hanging in the hall closet. It's the thought that if we had only had a few more minutes, it would have been the next thing I grabbed.
When I think about college, I think about the newspapers that I spent all-nighters working on and that I have none of them left. I think about the Chuck Palahniuk book that an editor plagarized from and how someone had loaned me that book as proof and yet I hadn't been able to get it back to her, and now I can't. I think about the diamond boards that we made in our sorority and how that burned up and even though it was in a box that I only occassionally looked through, it was still important to me.
When I think about Christmas, I get lost in the thought that Dan could have grabbed the stocking I had JUST finished making for him the weekend before the fire. It was sitting in the living room, and I was just beginning Kellen's. I can't even think of owning a sewing machine again because it makes me sad to think about all of the projects I had worked hours upon hours on and their eventual charred remains.
When I think about jewelry, I think about the pearls my dad gave me after I spent the summer after my freshman year caring for him when he was sick. Those pearls meant so much to me, and any time I wore them I was reminded of silly memories that summer (like dyeing his hair hot pink and neon green). All I have now are a few charred white balls.
Imagine every memory of your life being summed up in one moment. All the happy memories, all the sad memories are now just a reminder of trauma. I can't look back to make myself laugh really because everything takes me back to that moment.
If you think it's funny or weird that we are celebrating Halloween in August (more on that tomorrow), it's because I have few memories that make me laugh. I have few memories left that don't make me sad. And I want those memories. I want to laugh. That's my thing. I laugh. And August is our month to start doing that again. Our month of memories.