I am a big believer in Chinese medicine (and Eastern philosophy in general, as the many Buddhas in my house will attest). I have been wondering lately about Karmic debt and spiritual lessons (but I will save that for another post). Today I went to the Wellspring Clinic and had an Amma bodywork session done. We were talking about liver deficiencies, which much of what is going on in my body seems to suggest (at least it's an answer- the Western medical establishment tells me they don't know and probably won't ever know). The emotion associated with the liver is anger.
I have spent hours tonight thinking about this, on the verge of tears. Part of the grief cycle is anger, and yet I'm not sure I've ever really allowed myself to be angry about the fire. Sad, oh so sad. But angry? I've expressed anger towards those I love, as is typical of PTSD. But that's not a)healthy and b)rational. The anger doesn't belong on Dan. He certainly didn't cause the fire.
But I am angry. I'm angry that the land below our house wasn't properly maintained. I'm angry that Dan and I put so many hours into making our house a home and landscaping and in minutes that hard work was destroyed. I'm angry that I had to bring my baby home to a house that wasn't his, wasn't ours. I'm angry that instead of enjoying my son this last year, I have been consumed with insurance paperwork, house plans, moving, and all the BS that comes with living in a new house (like the fact that our smoke alarm goes off if a vacuum is plugged into a certain outlet- irony is so ironic!). I'm angry that after feeling on top of the world, I now feel like I'm drowning in it. I'm angry that the wind wasn't blowing another direction... any other direction... that night. I'm angry that the abandoned property behind us is a fire hazard and that in the midst of all the crap we still have to deal with, one neighbor, Dan, and I were over there in 90+ degree heat pulling out dead trees and whacking cheat grass. I'm angry that everyone else gets to keep on their paths, perhaps without reflection or thought, while I'm sitting in a place of change so great and overwhelming that it is making me dizzy (actually making me dizzy).
I have a lot more to say in the next few days. I plan on making the most of my remaining six weeks of grief. Today I am angry.