Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Seriously?

After reading the comment below, I feel like I need to write about how moving home does not mean that the world is right again. I'm not sure if it was meant to be rude, but it seemed like it to me (and my husband and our nanny).

My neighbor and I have talked a lot about how people expect us to be fine now that we are home, expect us to have closed the book on the fire and be moving on. I'm sure that seems rational. But it just isn't the case. Healing from any trauma takes time. I still see smoke and need to know exactly where it is coming from. If I hear fire engines on Amity, I turn on the news. I sometimes drive back to the house to check and make sure the oven is off. My heart races when the smoke alarms go off from plugging in the vacuum (something happened with the wiring in one of the rooms).

I don't know where toilet paper is. I'm sure it's in a box somewhere. But for right now, our bathroom downstairs is out. I will go to reach for something and realize that the thing I want was in the old house not the new one. I go to the store everyday. EVERYDAY. I need note cards. Or I need tylenol. Or I need rice. Basic things that you stock up on, you don't have anymore. And when those things are the basis for cooking or pain management, it does get frustrating to have to replace them (especially if I just went to the store an hour ago). I'm sure that shopping all the time seems great, but it is exhausting. And sometimes it's emotional.

I make no apologies for feeling this way. I know that many people cannot understand this experience. This is my way to share my experience. And I would expect a little more compassion than a "Seriously?" comment would imply. Yes, this is how I feel... seriously.

8 comments:

  1. You are entitled to feel this way. I know it is easier said than done, but please do not let others get to you. One cannot understand trauma unless they have been through any sort. You are doing wonderful given your circumstances.

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  2. I'm surprised someone would type that comment in your blog. You should look up the IP and check it out. It should be recorded =) Too bad they are too chicken shit to log in with a name.

    I found myself calling my mom (whom also lost a home to a fire) yesterday about the fire: how long it takes to recover? why is it so long? should the couple be more happy with the new fab house? etc...

    Intuitively I would have thought that you'd be happier by now. But having never been through this. I called my mom about this yesterday actually and my mom said it's extremely profound. She often thinks of her as a child trying to put water on the fire (eletrical fire too) to put it out because the fire engine was not going to come to their house since her dad didn't pay their fee. She's terrified of fires. She always has been.

    I'm often glad she didn't strangle me the time I burned insense and the garbage I threw the ashes went it flames faster then I could think. Or the time I put my sisters violin bow on top of a lamp and it caught fire. Maybe she didn't strange me because she recovered from her fire, maybe it was that it's so scary she had to let my dad deal with me so she didn't strangle me. But, least, I will never leave the house with the dryer on, the over on or any of those damn lamps on. I just can't. It's habits I learned from my mother, but I have no real understanding of the consequence, the real loss of all your belongings and what you call home.

    Be paitent with those of us who don't get it. At least some of us don't get it but realize they won't and keep their mouth shut.

    I can say, I only want to see you happy (even if I expect it to soon). I miss you.

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  3. Sorry! Don't judge me for spelling errors! =(

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  4. Brooke, You just take your own time and feel what you feel without having insensitive people make such "stupid" remarks. It shows you that even just ONE word said can offend and cause grief. I am happy for you...and am learning great lessons from your experiences.

    Lisa

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  5. Brooke, I'm sorry about the snarky comment. No one deserves it less than you. I think of you all the time, and miss you on PAL. I can't imagine the adjustment you are going through. I thought I had it rough moving out of state with a one-year-old, but you are truly starting over. You inspire me, and you are doing a GREAT job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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  6. I hate shopping. And as much shopping as you've had to do, ugh! I feel for you. I get tired of spending money and after I have gone on a major shopping trip, just want to go home and curl up in bed.

    hang in there girl.

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  7. Don't let one person get you down. I thought it was quite rude no one has a clue what you are going through. I'm so glad that you are back in your house and trying to get settled.

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  8. Brooke...

    I've commented on your blog before, as my brother and his family lost their home to a fire in July. They are still in a fifth-wheel trailer on their property more than seven months later. I am happy your family has been blessed in being able to really begin to rise from the ashes and start making new memories...seriously! :) Wishing you much happiness and precious new memories. You will settle in and your new house will begin to feel like home! Bless your heart!

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