Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Life carries on

I am having a hard time. I haven't talked to anyone really about how much I am struggling. I know we are moving home soon, and that gives me hope. But the fire has taken so much of the illusion of safety from me, and I feel like I am going through the motions of life more than living it right now. It's been difficult for me to post because I am having this internal battle, and I want everyone to see me as strong and not see the pieces that I feel I have become.

I am currently listening to Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve." The lyrics:

"It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
There's nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that you would tied in
Now there's no-one home...

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on...

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I can't handle this...

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve"

2 comments:

  1. Brooke - it breaks my heart that you want everyone to think that you are "all better" - It's okay not to be!! I simply could not imagine how hard it all would be. I'm sure it's tough when people say things like "atleast you still have your family" (etc) - because unless they have gone through it, they just can't say that! I have never gone through it, and can never even guess all the feelings and emotions that come along with it. Besides that, YOU are different than everyone else! You ARE strong, but struggling will make you even stronger, so it's okay to struggle - just make sure you reach out for help when you need it - like right now maybe! Hang in there, sweetie!

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  2. I just googled this phrase:
    Life carries on
    and on and on and on
    life carries on
    knowing full well where it came from, and came across your post.

    This song is powerful - I've got a YouTube of it on my blog, somewhere back in December 08 (titled I Grieve" I think.

    I found it to have three very distinct sections, all which corresponded to my grief.

    The first is total devastation ... a sense of not knowing or believing you'll ever be able to carry on (so hard to move on still loving what's gone ... I can't handle this)

    The second is a recognition that you may just be okay as you realize life does indeed carry on (Life carries on .. In the people I meet, in everyone that's out on the street)

    and finally you realize you can carry on, still missing what's gone (Now I can find relief ... I grieve)

    Grief comes in many forms, for many reasons. I'm hoping that today, nearly 2 months from this post, that you're moving through the stages. But like your friend Tracy said, it's perfectly okay to not be all better.

    Tracy had sound solid advice, I pray that you do reach out when you need it, personal strength alone or not. You're entitled to every feeling you experience - feeling weak and weepy and tearful is perfectly fine.

    You will pick up the pieces of your life, and you will make a new life with little munchkin Kellen. That's a given. But grieving what was lost is justified.

    :-)

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