Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Expectation of Perfection

I was watching Oprah (again). It was an episode on resilience.

One woman was talking about believing that life would be perfect because she lived it the way she was supposed to live it. She followed the rules. Then one day she lost her 2-year-old son and husband in a plane crash. She mentions that in healing she allowed herself to have and experience the emotions that came up rather than denying them because others believed she should be feeling differently. She also talks about asking why such things happened to her and then asking why not. Why would others be more 'deserving' of that suffering?

I have pondered many of these same things in the last four months. Why us? Well, why not us? I believe many of us (particularly when we are young) believe that we are invincible. Bad things won't happen. We won't suffer. We will be healthy. But that isn't always the case. And I don't believe that we get to choose those events (sorry if you subscribe to the Secret- but I don't believe that my thoughts brought on the fire any more than others' thoughts kept their homes safe).

The events of the fire have increased my anxiety at least a hundred fold. I am working extremely hard on those feelings because I don't think that I can live my life afraid of tomorrow. Every time I hear a fire engine does not mean that it is my house. Every time I feel a twitch in my face doesn't mean that I'm relapsing. I hope that I can learn... and I hope you can too and share with me your successes... how to be more present, to live in this moment. Because it is the only one that we are guaranteed.

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