The sun is shining today. The sun in my soul also feels lighter. I know that the bad days are not yet over, but I will take a good day! My eye is closing a little better, so keep those good vibes headed my way.
We are headed back to Boise tomorrow. I have spent the last 12 days processing. I have a lot of questions and very few answers. What I find most interesting is the lessons that keep cycling through my life. I know I have written before about how I feel like I have been presented with these lessons at such a young age and not being certain why. Regardless, they are here. The fire alone is not why I struggle. The palsy alone is not why I struggle. And the two together are not why I struggle. Rather, these challenges have brought much to the surface for me, things I have struggled with before and naively thought I had resolved.
I am amazed by the perfection of my son. He knows only good. He has experienced only love. He struggles (mostly when he needs to poop), but he is comforted. When in our lives does this stop? When do we start learning that life is challenging, that there are struggles? When does the perfection of a little baby turn into anxiety of adulthood?
I am reading a book called You Can Heal Your Life. Interestingly I had the workbook in the old house. My mom bought me the book without knowing I had that book. I don't believe in accidents, so I guess I should take to heart what is being written. She writes about people being ready for change and not being able to confront their issues until they are ready. "We all begin to make our changes in the right time, space, and sequence for us." I am ready to make those changes... but I didn't choose to be ready, life thrust itself upon me. I suppose I could have failed to learn from this experience, chosen not to grow. But I don't really know if that is an option when life is so blatant.
I return to Boise, in the process of healing both physically and mentally. I know this path is not easy, but it is my path. And I will walk it in the sunshine and out of the fog (as best I can).