I've been doing some reading on healing of the soul and letting go. Letting go is something I have always had a very hard time with. I like the illusion of control, and the idea that I have none is deeply unsettling. My anxiety right now is such that I spend a lot of mental energy trying to combat those thoughts, imagining that somehow this battle gives me some amount of control. I was reading some interesting points by Guy Finley, and he writes that the very idea of acknowledging those thoughts to try to retrain your thinking gives those thoughts power. I find this so interesting. I was talking to someone else earlier this week who told me to stop thinking so much. How does one quiet the mind? I don't have good answers to that question yet, but I am working on finding some. It takes too much energy to think all the time (and to think about thinking!).
I have also been thinking a lot about happiness. I am having a hard time finding joy even though I know there is much to be happy about. I have been known for laughing at most anything. I don't find myself laughing at much recently. I have been thinking about how we know we are truly happy and what that feels like. But maybe it is the absence of happiness that makes the promise of it so much more alluring. It is ok to recognize that this is my winter (in the words of Finley). Our lives all have seasons, and we want to believe that it will always be spring and summer, happiness and glory. And I suppose for some, their lives are mostly that way. But for most of us, there are times of sadness, of suffering. The magnitude of the events are not as relevant as the ways in which we are affected by them. But the promise of another spring is not forgotten even in those moments.
Dan and I were talking tonight about the laws of the universe and the idea that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If so, I have to believe that tremendous good is coming our way to balance out the bad of this year. It is that promise, that hope, that carries us this winter.