Saturday, November 15, 2008

Paralyzed

I feel like the facial paralyzation is such a good metaphor for my life. Since the fire I've felt paralyzed. I don't feel like I can do anything or go anywhere without being consumed by the fire. Every step feels arduous. Nothing is involuntary. Every movement is deliberate and involves great thought to do even the of simplest things. And sometimes I think I am moving forward and instead I am standing still. I look in the mirror and I try so hard to smile or move my eyebrow. I think that maybe if I think hard enough about that muscle, it will move, even a millimeter. If I look at Dan and do it, I sometimes think it's actually moving. But it's not.

The smile on my face right now is probably a more accurate reflection of my insides. Instead of being big and exuding happiness as it has done for the last several months, as it always has, it is pained, lopsided, changed.

My eye is droopy as though it is melting off my face. How ironic. The fire melted my possessions. The palsy is melting my appearance. They have both melted my sense of self.

I have neglected my needs over the past 60+ days. No rest. No stopping. I was pregnant and now have an infant who needs me. We are building a house, and we have so many decisions to make, places to be. I am back to teaching... and even on maternity leave was working some. My kids, staff, parents need me at work. But the more I read about this condition, the more I realize that if I don't stop, don't take a break, a REAL BREAK, I could end up with permenant damage. I'm not sure I know how to take a break. And I know that the only way I can do it is by leaning on others, rejecting the notion that I alone can do it all. If I am unable to do that, I'm afraid I might be paralyzed forever.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. Amazing. I want you to know I am here if you can't find a place to lean. I can help anyway I know how. And if I don't know how, I'll learn. :) I love babies, and would be happy to love Kellen when you need somewhere for him to go, or when you and Dan need to be husband and wife for an evening. I'm here!

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