Sunday, November 9, 2008

Giving Thanks

November is the month of thanks. I'm having a hard time doing so. I've been told by many that I have much to be thankful for, and I know that in the next year I will be able to look back and give thanks for those things. Right now I can't.

I told someone last week that one of the things you shouldn't say to someone in this situation is, "At least you are all ok" or "You have your lives." I recognize that we are lucky to have gotten out of the house. Saying those things make me relive the horror of sending my husband into the smoke and waiting for him, dry heaving, by the side of the road. There are days where I'm not all that thankful to be alive. I know that sounds harsh and dramatic. But the grief process is also harsh, and living is sometimes hard. I also think those comments diminish our loss, as though losing our home, possessions, and sense of peace and safety is somehow ok because we made it out.

I was talking to my mom about this tonight. She has been trying hard to help us move on. I'm not ready to move on. I'm angry. I'm sad. The first two months I was in shock and had a newborn. I am finally dealing with our loss and grieving... in a month where I am supposed to be thankful. We talked about the fact that people want to help, and they think that telling us it will be ok and will have a great house will help. And we always think that we need to have some response (trust me, I am that person). Sometimes we just need someone to listen (I'm not one of those people- listeners). But my emotions are so heavy, and I don't want to burden others with those feelings. Perhaps this blog is a way to diffuse the burden onto a lot of people so no one person has to carry it alone. I have friends who say to call anytime, but in my desperate and sad moments I don't feel like I can call anyone and instead feel very lonely.

I still haven't decided what to do for Thanksgiving. Hopefully this cloud won't last long. I don't want to become like Chandler from Friends and be known as the girl who hates Thanksgiving.

4 comments:

  1. Hello. I found your site through Danielle's blog. We also had a house fire while I was pregnant with our third son, (11 years ago). It was devastating. We went for years looking for something we knew we had, then realizing "oh, it was in the fire." I'll pray for you that you'll rebuild your lives quickly and the pain will eventually subside with joy again.

    I pray you'll be able to one day, as I have, (and this is hard to say to you), to be able to see the blessings from the fire. It took me a long while but they are there.

    The hardest part for me was re-collecting (is that a word), holiday decorations. We did find in the ashes, one metal tin, a small one that oreo's came in one year, with all the kids "baby's first christmas" ornaments in it and a few other handmade one's with their pictures on it. I was over-joyed with this little treasure. I still keep them in that old, bent, yucky tin.

    I hope you're having a great day today. I'll be praying for your heart to heal.

    Michelle

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  2. It's okay that you don't feel thankful yet - even in November. Your friends would feel elated if you called them. Heck, you don't even know me, and I would even love to listen!! I hope you can start to feel better very soon.

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  3. In your time you will feel thankful again..Don't worry about what others say but instead stay true to your heart. You are a strong and an amazing person and in your time you will feel happy again.

    You are loved! You know if you ever need someone to listen you can call me!! You know I'm always here for you!

    Can't wait to see you in December!
    Liz

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  4. Tracy-
    We feel like we know you! I was thinking last night of all the people we have met through this experience and how thankful I am for that (I didn't even mean to use that word). You and Chip are definitely on our list of people we are thankful for.

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