Friday, October 31, 2008


I have been planning for Kellen's first Halloween before I even found out I was pregnant. I had bought a pumpkin outfit last October when it was on sale. It was the month we had been on fertility meds. I bought the outift in size 0-3 months, which actually wouldn't have been the right size had we gotten pregnant that month. When I found out in January that we were expecting, I realized that all my clothes that I had bought before getting pregnant were the perfect size. I commented about how happy I was that he would be able to wear the cute "Baby's First Christmas" onesie that I had bought at the Gap and the Halloween clothes. How ironic.

I was so excited for Kellen's first Halloween. It would be low-key. Dan was supposed to be in class. It was a mostly online psychology class that met in person once a month. I would be on maternity leave. And we would go to a few neighbor houses and then pass out candy.

Instead we spent the day visiting various people and picking out stone for the house. We actually lost part of his costume in the process, which was really upsetting (more so given my unstable emotional state at the moment). We went by the house and then stopped by to see some of the people who have helped out the last two months. A few people weren't home. It wasn't the Halloween I planned, but we made it work.

I am worried about Thanksgiving and Christmas. The first year in our home, right after we were married, Dan and I hosted our first Thanksgiving. I cooked my first turkey in that house (which took a lot longer than I had planned). I used my Bride and Groom Cookbook to try a new Cranberry Sauce recipe. It wasn't my favorite. Last year I had Dan's family and some friends over. I remember finding a native American Thanksgiving prayer. I had kept it for use later. I know that I have much to give thanks for... but I sometimes have a hard time finding those things in my lower moments. We had bought a Pottery Barn table to replace the one that had been left behind by the previous homeowners. The other table had been held together with duct tape and a fifth leg in the middle. It took us almost a year to discover that. I won't get to host Kellen's first Thanksgiving. I had worked hard to start creating those traditions for our family. It's like pumpkin patch picking and carving. I just couldn't carve pumpkins this year. We don't have the space, and I didn't have the time (which has nothing to do with the baby). I feel like my traditions are on hold.

Christmas is another post. I almost can't talk about it. I can't believe tomorrow is the start of November. The holidays will be hard. This year it might just be enough if I can find the strength to put one foot in front of the other for two months. Right now it's not taking it one day at a time. One day is too long. There are times where it is literally taking one moment at a time, making the choice to continue on for just one more minute until the sadness passes. Kellen's monkey costume made those moments easier. I hope that tomorrow will bring more of the clouds lifting.

1 comment:

  1. Okay, first of all, I should be asleep because I had a few drinks tonight. So I should be sleeping.

    But I am commenting here instead. FYI, I am a Nestie...found you via there.

    Anyway, I am in awe of you. The mere thought of losing everything I own sends me into panic. You are so gracious in your rebuilding.

    I pray only sporadically, but you are always in them. And you will make new memories for Turkey Day and Christmas...and you will be alright. I know you will be. You are strong.

    You are one of my heroes.