Saturday, October 18, 2008

Facade

Apparently this "I'm better" thing is a facade. I had real intense anxiety in the initial weeks after the fire. I've worked through some of that... partly through writing, and partly through strategies I've used to deal with anxiety in the past. I like when the universe shows me reality.

This morning we had a memorial service to go to. I actually got to sleep in, and time was tight. I walked out the front door, and immediately I smelled smoke and looked around to see where I thought it was coming from. The sky to the north and west was brown and smoky, though I couldn't tell what was going on. Since we had to get going, I called my mom in Virginia and asked her to look up the news online to find out where the fire was. I was shaken. And that fear and anxiety took me completely off guard.

Tonight we had a housewarming to go to. I stopped to buy a card to go along with a bottle of wine. I was shocked at my inability to pick out a "Congrats on your new home" card. I stood in the card aisle paralyzed with grief. Home. All I want is my home. How many days are there in 4 months? When do I get a place to call home?

1 comment:

  1. I believe you. I can tell you my "handling this well" of being laid off and still without a job is all a facade. My heart goes out to you.

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