Saturday, September 13, 2008


Dan and I have done a lot of shopping in the last few weeks. I'm not happy to have new things, even if they were things that I have wanted for a couple of years. Instead, I am just really bummed that I even have to do this. There is nothing comforting about shopping to replace the items you have lost. Many of the things I had are no longer sold. Not only can I not replace those items, but I don't have a way to determine the replacement cost for insurance.

In the midst of all this shopping to keep our lives running (like pots and pans to make dinners) or to restock the nursery to prepare for this baby, we run into hundreds of people. And all of them are out shopping, doing what they would normally do on a Saturday afternoon. Mothers and daughters are at the craft store looking for Halloween decorations. I look at the decorations, wanting so much to be doing the same thing. Instead I think about how I don't really have anything to decorate. I'm just trying to make sure we have some couches so that people have a place to sit if they come visit the baby or making sure that the guest bed has sheets so when my mom comes to stay after the baby is born, she has something to sleep on. I don't have the luxury of looking around for Halloween decorations. I've overheard the most mundane conversations about shoes, and I feel out of touch. I can't relate to a conversation about shoes wearing out. As of now, my oldest shoes are three weeks old. When I read I should bring an old pillow to the hospital, I almost laugh. I don't have an old pillow. Three weeks ago, none of this would have phased me. Now it frustrates me. I feel like I have been robbed of normal, of routine. I feel like I have been cheated out of a mundane existence (at least for a while). I desperately want to go back to a time when I could think in those terms, where I could be happy to be a part of those conversations instead of a little bitter.

But I can't. I don't get a redo. I will say that receiving the donated Halloween basket was one of the highlights of my week. It felt normal. Even if I can't look for Halloween decorations, it doesn't mean fall isn't coming, doesn't mean that life won't go on. And that basket reminds me of that.


  1. Interesting..! I love to decorate my home on Halloween.

  2. It's Sar again, these posts are making me cry. I am reading your 2008 posts. I can relate to them so much.

    It's crazy.